Episode 1 - 04: The One With George Stephanopoulos
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is
there except Joey.]
Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I
were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more
hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Ross: Yeah, see.. you took
mine. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I were
omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: See, there's always
one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more
wishes." (Joey enters.)
All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey,
buddy.
Monica: Hey, Joey, what
would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself!
Monica: ..Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's
dead, then I got no reason to live!
Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross,
I'm sorry..
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and
Monica are watching Phoebe sleep.]
Monica: How does she do
that?
Ross: I cannot sleep in a
public place.
Monica: Would you look at
her? She is so peaceful.
Phoebe: (waking and
startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.
Ross: It's okay, y'know,
you just nodded off again.
Monica: What's going on
with you?
Phoebe: I got no sleep last
night!
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: My grandmother has
this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh,
and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each
other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud
they are!
Monica: Well, if you want,
you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.
Phoebe: Thanks.
(Chandler and Joey enter.
Joey is counting his steps.)
Joey: ...Ninety-five,
ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred
steps from our place to here.
Chandler: You got waaaay
too much free time.
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's
the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins,
tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
Chandler: Happy birthday,
pal!
Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses
Ross)
Ross: Funny, my birthday
was seven months ago.
Joey: So?
Ross: So, I'm guessing you
had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to
bring a date?
Chandler: Well, aren't we
Mr. "The glass is half empty."
Ross: Oh my God, oh- is
today the twentieth, October twentieth?
Monica: Oh, I was hoping
you wouldn't remember.
Ross: Ohhh.
Joey: What's wrong with the
twentieth?
Chandler: Eleven days
before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?
Ross: Today's the day Carol
and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is
puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I
think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her
lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey,
let's all do that!
Chandler: (trying to stop
Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out,
c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the
stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: (stops) I have no
idea.
Joey: C'mon, Ross!
Ross: Alright, alright,
maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big
thumb finger?
Chandler: You got it.
(Rachel runs up cluching an
envelope.)
Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look,
my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!
Phoebe: I remember the day
I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the
mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you worked in
a mine?
Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy
Queen, why?
Rachel: God, isn't this
exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk
for it, and it was totally(opens envelope)not worth
it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what-
Chandler, look at that.
Chandler: (looking) Oh,
this is not that bad.
Joey: Oh, you're fine,
yeah, for a first job.
Ross: You can totally,
totally live on this.
Monica: Yeah, yeah.
Ross: Oh, by the way, great
service tonight.
All: Oh! Yeah!
(They all get their wallets out
and give generous tips.)
Guys: Hockey! (They
go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie,
Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey!
Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie: (looking
around) Rachel?
Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel,
Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear
I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel: What are you guys
doing here?
Kiki: Well, we
were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand
it's true!
Joanne:
Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
Rachel: (to a pregnant
Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!
Leslie: I know. I
know! I'm a duplex.
Rachel: (to Joanne) So
what's going on with you?
Joanne:
Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points
to herself and they all scream again.)
Kiki: And while
we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show
off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Look,
look, I have elbows! (They scream.)
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and
Joey are kicking a can to each other.]
Chandler: ...Poulet passes
it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)
Joey: Leetch spots Messier
in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross
is staring into a shop window.)
Chandler: We'll take a
brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross: Carol was wearing
boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact,
she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's
look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on. Chandler and
Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)
Joey: What?
Ross: Peach pit.
Chandler: Yes, Bunny?
Ross: (points) Peach pit.
That night we, uh- we had-
Joey: -Peaches?
Ross: Actually, nectarines,
but basically...
Chandler: (to Joey)
Could've been a peach.
Ross: Then, uh, then we got
dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and
points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, that woman's got
an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought
we were trying to find stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel,
Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]
Rachel: So c'mon, you guys,
tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest
news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!
Joanne: Alright. Let's talk
reality for a second.
Rachel: Okay.
Joanne: When are you coming
home?
Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Rachel: I'm not! This is
what I'm doing now. I've got this job-
Kiki: Waitressing?
Rachel: Okay, I'm not just
waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials
board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of
the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little
chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie: Well.
Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something
in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was
it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would
you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the
blender into some glasses.)
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: Weeeell, it's rum,
and-
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the
blender and starts to drink.)
Monica: We thought since
Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber
party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough,
we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I
brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we
can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa
card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them
what they want.
Monica: (on phone) Could
you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes,
hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual
activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used
my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the
unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel: They wanna know if
I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see.
Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know
is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting
pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if
that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay,
okay?
Monica: (pauses then on the
phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?
Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably)
Let's play Twister!
[Scene: Madison Square Garden,
the guys are trying to find their seats.]
Ross: (squeezing past
people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
Chandler: What? There was
ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand
angry Pittsburgh fans?
Ross: No, actually I was
just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you
mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the
first frost...
Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit
down, sit.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
they're all hanging out in the living room.]
Monica: You should feel
great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence
thing!
Rachel: Monica, what is so
amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
Phoebe: You are just like
Jack.
Rachel: ...Jack from
downstairs?
Phoebe: No, Jack and the
Beanstalk.
Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See,
he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then
he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his
window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a
village, and you live in the Village..
Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs,
Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I
know, I know I didn't love him-
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did
love the cow.
Rachel: But see, it was a
plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now
everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe: Floopy?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: So what, you're not
the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're
going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come
together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
Phoebe: Oh, like that's a
word.
Rachel: Okay, but Monica,
what if- what if it doesn't come together?
Monica: ...Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause....
you just... I don't like this question.
Rachel: Okay, see, see, you
guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've
got are.. beans?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden,
the guys are watching the game.]
Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get
him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler: (to Ross) See
buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting
each other with sticks.
Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler: He's open!
All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(The player shoots and the puck
flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face. Chandler
looks concered until he notices...)
Chandler: Hey, look, we're
on that TV thing!
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck
and wave at the TV thing.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: An Emergency Room,
Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]
Chandler: (to the
receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist: (holds up her
handshe is on the phone) It says to call this number if
you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm
not completely satisfied.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind
of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the
predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
Receptionist: (on phone)
Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses
him some forms.)
Ross: (jumping to his feet)
Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of
pain here, alright? My face is dented.
Receptionist: Well, you'll
have to wait your turn.
Joey: Well, how long do you
think it'll be?
Receptionist: (sarcastic)
Any minute now.
Ross: Hey, this- (she gives
him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the
slumber party continues.]
Rachel: I'm so sorry, you
guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.
Monica: No, you were right.
I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)
Pizza Guy: (yelling
from outside) Pizza guy!
Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She
goes to answer the door.)
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Do you have a plan?
Phoebe: I don't even have a
'pl'.
Pizza Guy: Hi,
one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?
Rachel: (miserably) No, no,
that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with
extra cheese.
Pizza Guy: Wait,
you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
Monica: (leaping off of the
couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah.
This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh,
bonehead, bonehead!
Monica: Wait, was this a-a
small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy: Yeah,
that sounds about right.
Monica: Was he wearing a
stunning blue suit?
Phoebe: And-and a power
tie?
Pizza Guy: No,
pretty much just a towel.
Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
Pizza Guy: So you
guys want me to take this back?
Monica: Are you nuts?!
We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica
grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's
George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Monica: I see pizza!
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see!
Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel: Hello? Who are we
spying on?
Monica: White House
adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair,
sexy smile, really cute butt?
Rachel: Oh, him, the little
guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I
see a woman.
Monica: Please tell me it's
his mother.
Phoebe: Definitely not his
mother.
Monica: Oh, no...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's
walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's
going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe
covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey
is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises
it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]
Chandler: Excuse me, look,
we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick
than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing?
Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and
Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't
be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but
that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting
room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel
back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the
girls are all out on the balcony.]
Monica: Light still out?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh. Maybe they're-
napping.
Rachel: Oh please, they're
having sex.
Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!
Rachel: So, whaddya think
George is like?
Monica: I think he's shy.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. I think you
have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross
is still going on about his first night with Carol.]
Ross: I remember the
moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most
incredible glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon,
the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get
some painkillers over here, please?
Joey: He's right, enough,
already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her
for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years
after that.
Ross: Look, it's just a
little more complicated...
Chandler: Well, what? What?
What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she
left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: Little louder, okay,
I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't
quite hear you...
Chandler: Then what?
Ross: My first time with
Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)
Joey: What?
Ross: It was my first
time.
Joey: With Carol? (Ross
gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler: So in your whole
life, you've only been with one(He gets a look too)oh.
Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey
was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've
done tonight!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the
girls are still out on the balcony.]
Monica: Okay. Okay, I got
one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you
loved so much?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, unless goose
is a vegetable...ha haaaah!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay,
fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason
Hurley.
Monica: What?! You slept
with Jason?
Phoebe: You'd already
broken up.
Rachel: How long?
Phoebe: A couple hours.
Monica: Oh, that's nice!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I
got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against
falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson
left in your locker was really from me.
Monica: Excuse me?!
Rachel: Hello? Like he was
really gonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.
Monica: Really. Well, at
least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!
Rachel: I was laughing! You
made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)
Phoebe: There he is! There
he is!
Monica: Where?
Phoebe: Right- where we've
been looking all night!
Rachel: He is so cute!
Monica: Oh, George, baby,
drop the towel!
All: Yeah, drop it! Drop
the towel! Please drop the(pause)wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross
is absent.]
Joey: Man. Can you believe
he's only had sex with one woman?
Chandler: I think it's
great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, you kidding?
The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)
Both: Hey, buddy.
Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a
piece of steel bandaged to his nose. He tosses some forms
onto reception desk.)
Receptionist: (sarcastic)
Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler: Oh, I thought you
were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All
things considered, you had fun tonight.
Ross: Fun? Where was the
fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's
my puck?
Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has
it.
Ross: The kid...? (To the
kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
Kid: I found it.
Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)
Chandler: You gotta do it,
man.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah?
Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever(to Chandler)can't
do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
Kid: No.
Ross: 'Yes', how about.
C'mere. Gimme!
Kid: No! No! (They
start to fight over it.)
Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No
rough holding in my ER!
Ross: (tries to snatch it
from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp
and knocks out the receptionist)
Ross: ...Now that
was fun.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey
and the girls are playing twister.]
Ross: (Doing the spinning)
Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Monica: Could've played Monopoly,
but nooooo.
(There's a knock on the door,
Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy
nods and leaves)
Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right
hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her
butt appreciatively)
(The phone rings and Chandler
answers it.)
Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh,
Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you
take my place?
Chandler: Alright. (on
phone) Yes, this is Rachel.
Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs
the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone)
Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it
much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Ross: Green. To the green.
Rachel: (on phone) I've got
magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.
Chandler: To the left, to
the left- aww! (They all collapse)
Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh...
I'm fine.
END
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