Episode 2 - 02: The One With The Breast Milk
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan
are showing off Ben to the gang.]
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying a
present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's
gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist.
(There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it.
(Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure
for him?
SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed
Ben.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding
taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be
right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What
are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons.
Ladle?
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the
most natural beautiful thing in the world.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin'
on it.
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's
gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you
have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask
questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.
(They go back into the living room)
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if
Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
CAROL: Sure.
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?
CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore.
JOEY: Chandler?
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?
CAROL: As much as he needs.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows
into one, does the other one get bigger?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it.
Anybody else want one?
ALL: No thanks.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let
me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath
to Chandler) What a bitch.
JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend
at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse
his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage
of it?
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother
to the vet.
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
JULIE: Great.
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums.
ROSS: Hello to the rest.
ALL: Hi!
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go
shopping with her? What about Rachel?
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to
Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her
house of worship.
MONICA: But I'm--
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will
kill you like a dog in the street.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going
shopping tomorrow?
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a
deal.
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great,
Monica. I really appreciate this.
MONICA: You're welcome.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof.
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling
men's cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for
men? Hey Annabelle.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the
new guy?
JOEY: Who?
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the
girls just call him the Hombre man.
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section?
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little
later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'?
TODD: Mornin'.
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda
understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is
my territory.
TODD: Your territory, huh?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men?
GUY: No thanks.
TODD: Hombre?
GUY: Yeah. All right.
TODD: You were saying?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica
enters.]
MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and
we were shopping all day.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch.
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?
MONICA: You had a salad.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day,
and I had a salad.
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against
that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at
her chest) uh, boobs.
RACHEL: You bought boobs?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap)
Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to
sell some cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh,
listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go
maybe grab a cup of coffee.
ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.
TODD: Ready, Annabelle?
ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time?
JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a
girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping
Ben off for Ross to watch.]
CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown
is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.
ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before,
ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're
father and son.
SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him.
Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute.
SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him.
ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever.
MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh
huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye.
RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my
friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.
PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!
ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't
microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not
supposed to do that.
PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast
milk. Ok.
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?
ROSS: It's breast milk.
PHOEBE: So?
RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a
person.
JOEY: What is the big deal?
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast
milk?
PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?
ROSS: No!
PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's
milk?
ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture
of a missing child on it.
MONICA: Hey, where is everybody?
RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you
been?
MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me,
little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.
RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by
the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch
alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?
MONICA: You know what probably happened?
Someone musta stolen my credit card.
RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in
your pocket
MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question.
That is excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you
have lunch with?
MONICA: Judy.
RACHEL: Who?
MONICA: Julie.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Jody.
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying
to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And
then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It
didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you
the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you
to find out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to
leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might
just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one
thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I
just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel
working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna,
it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve
thinks. Hi, Steve.
CAROL: How did we do?
PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross
freaked out.
ROSS: I did not freak out.
CAROL: Why'd you freak out?
ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.
CAROL: My breast milk is gross?
SUSAN: This should be fun.
ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with
it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal
to grown-ups and kids alike.
CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it,
it's no big deal. Just taste it.
ROSS: That would be no.
PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--
SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.
JOEY: Exactly.
ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.
SUSAN: Uh huh.
ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.
SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't
stop being true.
ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
CHANDLER: Howdy.
JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched
me over to Hombre.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way
you're dressed.
JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so
good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy,
Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor.
This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I
liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta
the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know
sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better
cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?
JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say
you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your
ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west
of the lingerie.
JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and
she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm
not listening.
MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your
knife?
MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her,
we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
RACHEL: Yes.
MONICA: It's that terrible?
RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad
enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person
that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now
she's actually stealing you.
MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody
could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with
her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're,
we're...Oh, I love you.
RACHEL: I love you too.
PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really
doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too.
Oh, I really needed that.
MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place
right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she
didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a
guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a
chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for
me?
RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that.
MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
TODD: I heard ya.
STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin'
the doors. You boys ready?
TODD: Ready.
JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.
CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you
blinded me, I'm suing!
STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did
you do?
TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so
sorry, I'm so sorry.
ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner
or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I
buy you that cup of coffee now?
ANNABELLE: Sure.
JULIE: So.
RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should
hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked.
I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though,
right?
JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell
you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.
RACHEL: Really? Me?
JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is
so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's
probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling
that maybe you don't.
RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.
JULIE: Oy.
RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh
Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for
many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I
just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are
together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and
god I hate it when she's right.
JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to
go to a movie sometime or something?
RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.
JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So,
I'll talk to you later.
RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative
bitch.
END
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