Episode 9 - 07: The One With Ross's Innapropriate Song

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couchafter just changing her diaper.]

Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break.(baby talk) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up) Come here gorgeous.(puts her on his knees and talks to her) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutestlittle baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? Butyou've got... (in a softer voice) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes youdo... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's) Big baby butt! Ilike big butts. (raps) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you otherbrothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / anda round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs) Oh my God, Emma... you'relaughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never donethat before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot...What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps) My anaconda don'twant none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looksworried) I'm a terrible father!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler and Monica enter.]

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?

Chandler: How come?

Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking...I should probably do something with it.

Monica: What do you do with your money now?

Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises thatanyone could have overheard that) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guardedby robots!

Chandler: Do you have any ideas?

Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emufarm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping toplant the emus...

Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.

Joey: (laughs) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica) People eat birds... Birdmeat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to arestaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird."(laughs again) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises...)

Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. Imean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed.just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totallydeductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!

Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...

Monica: (very excited) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment?Richard!

Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of herex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together.

Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the clubdoesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting atthe dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking on the door.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel and Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike'sparents tonight! (Rachel gasps)

Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.

Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself.

Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!

Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.

Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe'dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wantingto hurt Phoebe) You can say "neither".

Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither!

Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna befine.

Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good withmeeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit,but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see whereWallis gets his good looks..."

Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer?

Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.

Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!

Rachel: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean...

Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?

Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazingher son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually saidI'm like the daughter that she never had.

Monica: (Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief) She said WHAT?

Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughtershe never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebein a duh! way)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters the apartment.]

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents.She's so nervous, it's so sweet!

Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.

Rachel: (in disbelief) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving amakeover to that stupid hippie?

Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. Itwas... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but itcomes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but thenlooks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.)Only... only not creepy.

Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited)

Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps) well actually I rapped... BabyGot Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to angry)

Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy wholikes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes ahealthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicydoubles.

Rachel: (disgusted) owwwww...

Ross: Please don't take her away from me!

[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agentopens the door for Chandler and Joey.]

Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.

Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.

Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medicalmalpractice? Choked on his own moustache?

Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great viewof Central Pa.....

Chandler: mmm That's enough about you!

Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?

Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a newkitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandlerboth realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not acouple. We're definately not a couple.

Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!

Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough foryou?

Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at thisplace. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge machocouch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losingMonica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joeylooks around)

Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know ifI see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on thecouch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I couldsee it.

Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught byRichard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who doeshe think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!

Joey: What?

Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.

Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape...(realises) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around) And this isRichard's apartment... (realises some more)

Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)

[Scene: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator,looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks tothe door and rings the doorbell.]

Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.

Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!

Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks inand takes Phoebe's coat.)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!

Mike: No, my parents are rich.

Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in) HELLO!

Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore andBitsy.

Phoebe: (in a very posh accent) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!

Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you!

Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.

Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually threefloors.

Phoebe: Holy crap!

Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?

Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me!

Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?

Phoebe: (no accent) I'm trying to get your parents to like me.

Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wantingthem to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...

Phoebe: (accent) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...

Mike: Well, come on...

Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.

Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where areyou from?

Phoebe: (no accent) Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm fromupstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went toprison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in aburned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received) which wasokay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause thispimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, nowI'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn'talways steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in theroom finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realises and starts to talk in theaccent again) So... where does everyone summer?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Mike's parents house again.]

Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.

Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to mydad?

Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?

Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit.

Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looksfrom...

Theodore: Oh... Well...

Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...

Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can...

Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach)

Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs his stomach in agony)

Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay?

Theodore: I recently had surgery.

Phoebe: I'm so sorry!

Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches...

Phoebe: I really, really am sorry.

Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?(Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe)

Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?

Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...

Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't yougo talk to my mom?

Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk toher.

Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internalbleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)

Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you againfor having me here tonight.

Bitsy: Well, not at all...

Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your sonis.

Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too.

Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised.Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.

Bitsy: Is he really?

Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you knowI think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.

Bitsy: E-e-excuse me?

Phoebe: (Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe) Oh no, no, no, no, no,no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... whenhe gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...

Bitsy: That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away)

Mike: Awesome!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with thevideotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]

Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, whatgood could possibly come from watching? (sighs) Well, we know I'm gonnawatch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters theapartment)

Joey: Hey dude, what's up?

Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human!

Joey: Did you take that tape?

Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tapeof your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know whatwas on it?

Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?

Chandler: Some girl...!?

Joey: She hot?

Chandler: Yeah...!?

Joey: How did she get me to settle down?

Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably noteven what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as badas what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?

Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to beingtaped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...

Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.

Joey: (backs off) What? Whoo... What?

Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?

Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself toblame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR,switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a americanfootball match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)

Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering?

Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.

Chandler: Football? Just football?

Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.

Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is thefirst time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get abeer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and amoaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double insize...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprintfor Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of theapartment door...) What are you doing?

Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at this moment Monica comeshome, and sees Chandler flat on his back on the floor and Joey pinning himdown)

Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from theTV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a splitsecond for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and shefalls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quicklycovers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on theapothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her laugh.]

Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh formommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making afarting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... Noresponse from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive noveltyrap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap...(Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in theprocess.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are...Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you somuch, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face istelling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and shestarts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brotherscan't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a roundthing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh!Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements startgetting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brotherscan't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like bigbutts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emmaand Ross now enters)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It wasamazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...

Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?

Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang alittle doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...

Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?

Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...

[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parentsand the Angles are there.]

Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t /I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that youdidn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.

Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sangthe other night that everybody just loved?

Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade?

Mike: (sighs) No...

Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?

Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner)

Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?

Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.

Bitsy: Oh!

Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I ama vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...

Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...

Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fishbabies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fatrunning through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork andholds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcomeher vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly notenjoying the meat...) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, exceptMike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it) Hmmm... (atfirst she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of hermouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)

Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, which look indisgust)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica switches off the VCR. Joey andChandler are behind the couch.]

Monica: So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?

Chandler: Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star!

Monica: That tape was never meant to be seen by... (pauses) Joey I wouldfeel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private.

Joey: (laughs) Monica, look... I don't think you and I have any secretsanymore... (Monica keeps looking at Joey) Not ready to joke about it yet,okay, I see you later. (Joey walks out)

Monica: Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would youwatch it?

Chandler: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richardcould see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be anothersaucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy andmoustaches.

Monica: Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?

Chandler: This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keepsa tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.

Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? Youshouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!

Monica: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's allthat matters.

Chandler: Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with himwith your cowboy boots in the air...

Monica: Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life! (sheturns on the video again)

Chandler: Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends.

Monica: THAT'S NOT ME!

Chandler: What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!

Monica: That bastard taped over me! (Chandler's expression changes)

Chandler: Is that a problem?

Monica: I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor!

[Scene: Mike's parents house. Dining room again. Both Mike and Phoebe arenot at the table, but the others still are.]

Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.

Bitsy: She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. (Mikewalks in) Oh, hello dear...

Mike: Hey, what's going on?

Bitsy: We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend?

Mike: A little better.

Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue'sdaughter Jen.

Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and...single.

Mike: I'm not interested.

Bitsy: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailorfun you want with that one, but... let's be real...

Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying toget you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but shedid her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...

Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! (Phoebe almost enters the room,but she hears the discussion and waits and evesdrops next to thedoor-opening.)

Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you.And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do.I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...

Bitsy: The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard what Michael said and nowenters the room)

Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what?

Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which isprobably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of myparents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boringI've ever met in my life...

Phoebe: I love you too...

Mike: You do?

Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss)

Mike: Wanna get out of here?

Phoebe: Okay.

Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.

Phoebe: I had a great time. (accent) It was really top drawer. And here'ssomething rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coatcloset... Ta taaa...

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel arerapping and dancing for her.]

Ross: She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette.

Rachel: So fellas

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: fellas

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: has your girlfriend got the butt?

Ross: Hell yeah!

Rachel: So shake it! (Rachel slaps Ross's butt on the beat)

Ross: Shake it!

Rachel: Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler, Monica and Joey step in)

Ross: Shake it!

Rachel: Shake that nasty butt...

Ross: Baby got back (Then Ross turns around and sees their friends standingin the doorway)

Rachel: One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, youother br... (She also turns and sees the gang)

Ross: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!